Hopes and Dreams

Despite my lactose intolerance, this post is full of cheese. Apologies! I just feel humbled and overwhelmed and I can’t think of another way to express myself.  My prayers tend to be answered in small ways. I’m not a lightening bolt from heaven type of person. But in the past few weeks, I guess the Lord has felt the need to remind me of his incredible love.

It started with my Mission call. Romania???!! I still can’t really believe it.

When I was only 17 and volunteering there for the first time. I remember picturing myself being a missionary, walking through the streets of Bucharest. I’d stop that lady right there and speak to her in perfect Romanian. I’d ask that young couple if they had heard about Christ’s plan of happiness. I’d be tired in the heat of the Romanian summer and have to sit by the fountains to eat a fresh nectarine from the market. And now…  four years later, I actually got called to that place. What were the chances? As my Mum likes to say, there were three chances “Slim, Fat and None!” And yet no matter how many times I check the letter, just to make sure I wasn’t imagining it, it still reads “Romania/Moldova Mission”.

I don’t think I’ve ever had a dream come true before. I feel like Anne of Green Gables when she first arrives in Avonlea. She tells Matthew that she has always dreamt of living on Prince Edward Island, and she has always longed to be adopted and loved, and finally, her dreams were coming true. I guess it’s cheesy but I never thought my dreams could come true. From the advice of Rudyard Kipling I dream but I don’t make dreams my master. I am a realist. And yet, the Lord blessed me with this dream.

I just love Anne! 

I’m learning to have more hope in my life. I think that hope is something we sometimes skip over in the Church. We speak of faith, hope and charity yet hope is often pushed to the side as we speak of foundations of Faith… It’s like a mustard seed. Charity is the pure love of Christ. Serve your fellowman in Charity. Don’t get me wrong, these are wonderful topic but I wish we spoke of hope more often.

A few months ago a good friend directed me to the talk by Neal A. Maxwell “Brightness of Hope” (October 1994) I recommend you Read it!. The talk reminds me that I need to have both faith and hope in Christ’s words. I can have faith that His promises will come true, but I also need hope. He loves me and He wants me to have joy and will therefore bless me abundantly. There are two choices ”you can either live in despair or hope”. I am choosing to live in hope. So although being a realist isn’t a bad thing, it certainly keeps me grounded, maybe the Lord has been trying to teach me to be happier and have more hope.

So I have hope that the rest of my dreams and desires will come true. But in the words of Shadrach, Meshach and Abed-nego “But if not…” I will still continue serve the Lord. I will then have faith and hope in His plan and His wisdom.  

Seriously???

Last night I couldn’t sleep. I felt like a giant ape had some how crawled down my throat and was practising his break dance moves on my fundus (upper portion of the stomach for you non anatomy people, but that’s not quite as poetic). Every time I closed my eyes my mind was buzzing and chirping and squealing… what if it comes, what if it doesn’t, what if I’m disappointed? Wait… how dare I be disappointed… NO I must be positive… but seriously what if I can’t help it and I’m disappointed… these were the commentaries keeping me up despite my exhausted body. Eventually after a few chapters of reading I fell asleep.

I woke up nice and early at 6 am and practically jumped out of bed. I decided to go running and got ready. I wore a fluorescent yellow shirt, to symbolize the happy day I would hopefully have. I must have looked like an exploded highlighter. I ran for about half an hour. Oddly enough a couple hours sleep, no food or water, and running isn’t a good combination. After a shower and then watching Downton Abbey, despairing over Mary, swooning over Matthew, and despising Thomas I started my skyping sessions. I skyped with a friend and with my parents and was on and off the phone with Ana until 10.30… THE TIME!!

I hurried to the mail box. My contingency plan was to obtain a copy of Princess and the Goblin and watch it a couple times before work just to improve my mood. Maybe if I could act out Curty’s singing then I might not be so grumpy. But my plans were unnecessary… there it was… the big white envelope of joy :D I immediately called Ana as I walked back to the house, but the silly girl had left her phone in another room. I sent her a message very calmly and sweetly expressing the importance of her presence immediately. Fortunately she was able to detect the pinch of haste in my voice and jumped in her car to speed to my house.

After sorting out skype and phone calls and cameras… it was time.

I had been determined to cover the letter and read it as I got to the line, but I couldn’t help it. I wanted to be first. So as I began… “Sister Rivera…” I shuffled the paper down a little and caught the glimpse of “Romania/Moldova Mission”. Unable to contain myself, of course, I started screaming and had to quickly contain myself long enough to read it to the family haha. Ana was in tears, I was just screaming. I honestly still can hardly believe it.

I prayed and fasted last week that I’d receive a testimony that my call really was from the Lord, sent especially for me. But I don’t think my prayers have ever been answered in such an obvious way. I love the Lord and I can totally see his hand in my life. He had been preparing me for longer than I knew.

For those of you unaware of the significance of Romania in my life… allow me to give you a snapshot. When I was 17 I went on a trip volunteering to Romania working with children with Special Needs. I fell in love with the people, the language, and the country. I returned just a few months later and again the following summer to work with disadvantaged children. I loved everything Romanian.

The following year I went to BYU and then decided to spend the summer in the Sacramento area. Here, I made friends with a girl named Anamaria Costea. Ana, is Romanian, her entire family, church and friends are Romanian. I think my heart has a magnet for Romanians.

Just before opening my call my Brother said to me that the best missionaries are the ones who just love the people. As I prepared myself to learn to love the people of Birmingham, Provo, or Boise, I had no idea that I’d be given the one place on earth where my heart is already full of love. I will work for my heart to swell and overflow with even more love for the Romanian People. As of right now, my heart is overflowing with love for the Lord. He knows me so well it’s unbelievable. He answered my prayers far beyond anything I could’ve imagined.

A few people have said yeah it was obvious, of course you’d go there… but for me I couldn’t believe that the Lord would actually send me to my one dream mission. I’m excited, nervous, shocked, anxious… you name it. But there it is folks… Romania!! 

Patience is a virtue... or so I've heard

I’ve been waiting for so long now, and Bishop said my assignment still hasn’t been made which means that at the earliest, it’ll be made next week and then mailed the following week. 

I feel at this point like it’s never going to come. I guess you could say I’ve distanced myself so much that it feels completely unreal. I'm entirely apathetic towards it, which in my opinion is the worse feeling you can have towards anything. But it’s only because it feels so unreal. It’s like I’m traveling towards the horizon, I know it’s there... I can see it, but at the same time it’s not getting closer and is a completely intangible goal. 

I know my patience is being sorely tested. But the problem is my patience has already dried up. It dried up about a week ago. My frustration has almost entirely evaporated and I just feel empty. Since it’s never going to happen what’s the point in caring right?!

Okay okay, I guess I’m exaggerating. I know it’ll come eventually. It’s just irritated that people with the same availability date as me, who put their papers in at the same time, if not after… have already received their calls. Well that either means I’m going to the Provo UT Mission, or I’ve got to wait so that my mission has perfect timing so that I can best serve the Lord. The latter would be my preference but then again I know that Heavenly Father has a great sense of humor and would probably find it hilarious to send me to Provo, or London… sigh.

This post seriously isn’t a sympathy post or begging for responses with “don’t worry sweetie it’ll come!” or other sentimental crap. I know it’ll come. I’m just ranting. I’m staying busy, working, running errands, hanging out with friends, and I’ve been doing a lot of reading. Everything will be grand and with a pinch of Polyanna I could say that the longer I wait the happier and more excited I’ll be when it finally does come.

So in summary… I’m STILL waiting